Grind Candy

I'm going to go ahead and conform with the rest of modern society in the "reflection of the passing year" in the spirit of the celebrating the quickly approaching New Year.

I honestly don't even really remember what I did on the eve of '09. . . all I remember is riding a motorcycle on January 1st with the understanding that "whatever you start the new year with will be how you spend it." (-Dad's random Boy Scout friend with a Harley) which seems relatively true for this year. My 2009 was filled with adventure and new experiences. I went to Cape Cod, Seattle, turned 21, dumped my wife, went to a life-changing Cirque Berzerk show, moved in with a boy, went to New York, began arrangements for a big move. . .

2010 promises to be equally as exciting, but hopefully less dramatic(?). Spending the evening at Joel's in Glendale, see Jack & Sarah, seeing Albert, Steve and Jamie get married, going to CES, and that's only January. 

Carrying on with my mission of self-reflection, I've had a lot of time to do that today. Andrew encouraged me to keep my mind on other things for the day, which I have attempted, but I'm an overly-analytical person, especially of myself.

Last night, I got frustrated. In fact, I've been voicing a lot of frustrations lately. Which frustrates me EVEN MORE because in the end I always take my arguments a step too far and don't organize my thoughts, which makes my whole point feel pretty much void. So then I've brought up an empty issue that might not completely mend itself because I feel compelled to back off so as not to rock the boat. Mostly, this is because I can't stand people being upset at me. For some reason, I feel like all of my relationships are incredibly fragile and that by voicing anything I might have an issue with, I'll rock the boat enough to tip it.
But then when I do speak up, it's more damaging than helpful. Or at least, that's how it feels.

Last night's issue made me realized that I need to let go of my insecurities. Really, it's the root-cause of every issue I've brought up. Not to mention, my insecurity is the root for how to drive people away. I was wronged before, sure, but we all are. And love is about trusting that THIS ONE, THIS TIME, it'll be different. And it already is. Since day one my life has changed for the better. Instead of getting so worried that the same thing will happen again, I guess the trick is to meet someone who fools those instincts and worries.

In conclusion, my New Year's resolutions are essentially these:
-Release my past and accept the present.
-Trust my future.
-Push my limits.
-Know my limits.
-Love completely.

I am eager to throw on some comfy clothes and go play with my new (very early) Christmas present, but I feel like I have abandoned my writing-medium for the past few weeks and like I really need to make up for it.

Sorry, medium.

It seems like our plan for New York is slowly but surely becoming reality. While we don't have anything truly solidifying the trip, telling parents and friends seems to be just the push that I need to make sure it actually happens. My biggest fear in all of this is that we'll make it to August and for some reason or another the trip won't happen. Or I'll still be stuck here another few months. There's nothing I hate more than being the person with big dreams that doesn't follow through! This move and trip across the country seems to be the only thing I ever think about anymore. Believe it or not, I might think about it almost as often as I do about sex. Seriously.

My new interest in photography seems to have really sparked something in me. Beginning with my iVenture project, I feel inspired to look a little more closely at the world around me. I finally feel like there's some type of art that I could learn to immerse myself in. With every other new hobby or interest prior to now, I have found myself getting frustrated or bored. Photography seems to be something that I'll never grow tired of. Mostly, I'm glad that I have no desire to make a career out of it, though, because that guarantees to destroy passion for a project.

This weekend is my Big Bear getaway with "Pops." Dad and I will be leaving Saturday afternoon after work for the cabin. We're hoping to do a little hiking (and topography studying!), Christmas decorating/cleaning, krispie-eating, and there will more than likely be some movie watching involved. I'm so glad that Andrew has been encouraging me to make an effort to spend this alone time with him. It seems like Dad and I are always trying to be considerate of the other person's busy schedule, so we never want to interfere. There have been so many years lost by neither of us having enough balls to step up and make plans. I feel like I attempted to make that connection around the time I knew I was moving north (going for coffee or lunch once in a while) but I always felt like I ran out of things to talk about with him because there was so much of my life that I had to leave at the door. There were years where I wouldn't admit I was dating Angie which prevented essentially all interaction for fear of being too grilled about the subject. The subject of drugs and alcohol has always prohibited a lot of other interactions, due to my stumbling home, or me being so high on something for days at a time that I was paranoid he'd see through me.

. . . but now that he knows about my (much more responsible than before) desire to drink and smoke and enjoy life it seems like I can be myself.

Also, the smoke detector keeps beeping. I realized why they made the damn thing so fucking annoying: because it makes you want to change it. Too bad I don't have any batteries to share! Whoopsies!

Only a few hours to take pictures! I'm off.

Pooping = vacation is over.
(Only I understand this logic. Well, me and anyone who has ever traveled with me for an extended amount of time.)

It's 5:00 and today I have accomplished next to nothing due to my intense anxiety caused by a variety of factors. I'm desperately trying to get my act together, but it's nearly impossible to get myself motivated to push myself through shitty classes when I'm trying to register for more crappy ones that don't even have room for me, meaning I'm going to have to petition and hope for the best. Which definitely doesn't work in the favor of about 10 out of 12 people who show up to the first day of class that way. So now, I have literally zero choices as to what I can take. This only derails my plans more and more. . .

In other news, I think that New York was not only the best vacation I've ever been on, it was also probably the best thing for me and Andrew. (Not just separately, but as a unit.) I feel like abandoning our ultimate stress-sources and spending some time having fun allowed for us to communicate in a way we don't always get the chance to. At least for me, getting out of southern California for a little bit and going somewhere as amazing as NYC has pushed me to try and get my act together and look for ultimate goals, rather than letting life come find ME.

I feel like some recent happenings/news between Jamie and Steve have helped me. I know I have goals in mind, but I keep forgetting how much time it takes to get to those good places. And how much more you appreciate it when you earn it.

Time to pick up Katie from the parents. I feel like a shit-stick, but I imagine that this is only temporary. At least until I get into a new system. 

I've been having so much trouble with this writing thing lately. I've tried starting with an anecdote, free-flow thought, jumping right into things, opening with a fun and exciting fact . . . I'm not really sure why my brain just isn't functioning correctly these days.

I haven't felt inspired to paint or write or read or pretty much anything. Some days I go on these big kicks of trying to accomplish something new (refer: attempting crochet) but nothing seems to really be sticking. My only real theory is that between work and school, I'm stretched thin enough in the "doing something" department that I forget how to focus more attention on teaching MYSELF something. I mean, after sitting at a desk for 6 hours with nothing but whatever you can bring to entertain yourself, you get sick of reading/writing/drawing/pondering/philosophizing. In fact, by the end of the day you just want human interaction. And if alcohol is involved, then it's an even better day.

Despite what the parents at the dance studio seem to think, I don't plan on staying at my job after this season. While I completely appreciate the fact that Diana gave me the job after I turned her down once, and I'm definitely starting to get attached to some of the kids, I feel like a monkey could do my job. I feel incredibly overqualified and like I deserve something better and more directed at my field.

. . . this job would only be motivating if I was working toward something. Like, if I had this job in New York? Sure. But so far this job is just paying my bills and I have had no opportunity to save a damn penny so far.

Which adds a new element of stress to this equation: how am I supposed to start paying my parents rent come January? Fuck. I totally forgot about that. I'm barely getting billed paid right now as it is. I need to start budgeting.

But I can't focus on responsibility right now!!!! Because all I can think about is my trip coming up in 144 hours!!!!!

Ugh, now I'm becoming overwhelmed. How about an exciting fact to close this useless entry? Hmm? Then it might feel like I contributed something to the blog world:

*Someone created a typeface using the E-coli bacteria. (DO WANT.)
http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/cliff-kuang/design-innovation/font-grown-bacteria?partner=rss

Ta-da . . .

Shit, it just hit me that today is my wedding anniversary, and I just posted a cool wedding cake on Courtney's page. Coincidence? I think not.

I had a dream last night about a party that I decided not to go to, hosted by Ren & Stimpy, which for some reason were actually Nick & Allison. . .? (Ha!) "Andrew" and I ended up sneaking up to the house and waiting in bushes until guests left so we could go pick Sven up. (I guess they were watching him?) And they got really mad at us for not attending.
Not exactly sure what the dream itself means, but I think it might reflect on my lack of spending time with friends, I think because they annoy me lately. I've been feeling this pressure from people to hang out a lot lately, and I honestly just don't feel like it. At least right now while I'm trying to get schoolwork done, not spend money, spend more time with my dogs. . . But the dream might be a reminder not to totally forget about them, too, because I'll need them when I'm done "getting my act together."

Only three weeks, four days until I land in New York! I've been waiting to take this trip since I was a kid, and finally I'm going. I had put off "The City" on the agenda for years, waiting for the perfect time to go. I never had enough money, enough time . . . now, the reasons don't really matter, because I'm going with someone who is going to help me stretch that dollar to maximum value. I'm just ready for some busy, city-life again!
I can't believe it was only two months ago that I was in San Francisco and I'm already jonesing for another vacation! I guess it's obvious how important travel is to me.

I have been trying to get back into the habit of self-examination, along with the examination of others/movies/books/etc. I feel like I fell out of that habit for a long time because I tried so hard not too look at myself to closely for fear of what I would find. Now that I like more of what I see, I think it's safe to go back in that direction. Anyway, during my "self-exploration time," I realized that I'm trying to rush through my life. All I've been seeing is Point A to Point B, from B to C, and so on. I'm encouraging actions, words, and thoughts that might be premature an I need to learn to let things evolve. I'm not ready to jump into an entirely different life. For example, my thoughts on finishing school: I'm so in my head about getting it over with that I'm not actually learning anything, I'm just trying to get the best grade I can without trying. Which doesn't really help me if it's a subject I genuinely want to learn. So instead, I need to start absorbing.

In other ways, however, I've completely changed. In fact, I was a little relieved that Meghan didn't call about getting together yesterday because I know she would make fun of me mercilessly for how I've changed. I used to be this hardened, cold person who insisted on taking control, especially over emotions. I always had one foot holding the door open to make a run for it. Meghan knew me as someone that I made up to protect myself. Now, I'm remembering how I am at my core. It's an entirely different feeling. Before, I always knew that I could trust the other person, but never let myself. Now, it sort of just comes naturally. I just know that I don't want to be the person that I was before, because I didn't like myself. I didn't like how my normal sarcasm morphed into something so cynical and bitter.

Anyway, now that I have analyzed my entire personality, I think I'm ready to be responsible. At least for a little bit.

Slaughter House-five

Don't know if it's just me, but I have a significantly harder time trying to keep track of my homework assignments without a proper "planner" to use. I thought I'd be creative this semester and use a regular notebook, but today I've noticed how very little reading and work I have actually done for any of my classes.

The other day, I was reminded about a school project that pretty much anyone who's anyone had to do in some English class at some point or another, and I think I might try and pursue it today since I'm kind of feeling the song I'm listening to a lot so it makes it a little distracting and also, I'm finding it pretty difficult lately to really get to the heart of whatever issue I'm having. At least, when the pressure is on to self-analyze (regardless if it's a blog or a handwritten journal.) So here goes. . . 

Today, I am Lana, my new alter ego that I totally just made up. Lana is a hell of a lot more confident, raunchy, and outgoing. In fact, I might start inviting Lana around to parties every once in a while, as she's the one that most people seem to fall in love with. Lana dances, sings out loud, and mentions dildos in public.

Goddamn it, Katy Perry! I can't type and sing along to your fucking catchy music! Why are you so upbeat and danceable? Even Lady Gaga isn't this exciting, and she's a hermaphrodite!
Shit, now I've got the arms going. . .
And the head.
Damn it, happy feet!
Oh good, song's over.
-

I am very excited about this interview dealy I've got on Thursday (at 1:00 to be specific.) I've got a second chance to work at Touch of Romance, which would be fabulous. Who seriously wouldn't want to work in a sex store? Well, maybe Mormons. And Catholics. And asexuals. Well, you got the gist.

Speaking of Lana (like three paragraphs ago), something exciting has got to take me out of the monotony. I'm kind of feeling the idea of going to L.A. for a day, or doing a wine flight, or just fucking going somewhere that's not surrounded by dogs. It's like kids . . . some days, mommy needs to get wasted and laid while the sub-par babysitter handles things. I just need . . .   _ o _ a _ _ e!

So, this website is pretty much my favorite thing ever: http://loltatz.com/
And this song/band is fun:

I'm done with you now. Gather your clothing and head back home on your train.